Tamar -- the Wife of Yehudah

In the year 2225, when Er was seven years old, Yehudah decided it was time for him to marry. He chooses as a wife, Tamar, who according to many Mefarshim was a descendant of Noach’s son Shem. Mizrachi says that she was the daughter of Shem’s first born son.

Tamar was very beautiful and Er did not want to mar her beauty in anyway. Thinking that pregnancy would make her ugly, he began practicing a form of birth control that is completely against Halacha. It was as a result of this sin, the spilling of his seed, that Er died at a young age.

Soon after Er died, Yehudah approached his second son, Onan, and asked him to marry Tamar and perform the rite of Yibbum with her. Yibbum is performed in situations when a man dies without having children. In these situations, an unmarried brother will marry the widow and according to Rashi a child from that union will be named after the dead brother. Yehuda told Onan that if he consents to marry her it must be strictly for that reason, simply to perform the mitzvah.

Onan agreed to marry Tamar. However, he committed the same sin as Er. The Chumash says he did it because he knew the child would not be his. Sifsei Chachomim explains that according to Rashi not only would the child be named after the deceased, but would also be considered as the child of the deceased.

There are however those who disagree. Reb Mordechai Rosen z"l (whose Divrei Torah are found on the Shema Yisrael Parsha site) explains Onan’s actions in this way. The Pasuk says "VaYedah Onan Ki Lo Lo"-- Onan saw that the children that would come from him and Tamar would not be for Hashem - they would be Reshaim. So he took it upon himself to prevent them from being born -- this was not acceptable in the eyes of Hashem and he was punished.

Yehudah had one living son, Shelah. Rashi explains that Yehudah was afraid that if this son married Tamar, he would also die. Even Haazer relates a Klal that if a woman has buried two husbands whose deaths were illness related, it is considered dangerous to marry her. Because Yehudah did not know why his son’s died, he could only assume it was because Hashem wanted Tamar to suffer.

According to Akedath Yitzchak and the Rambam, Yehudah knew exactly what his sons’ had done and that is why he prevented Shelah from marrying. He believed that his older sons had acted immorally because of their youth. He was afraid that this son would commit the same sin. He therefore asked Tamar to wait until Shelah was a little older and more mature. In the interim he would take the time to daven to Hashem for mercy.

Toldoth Yitzchak says that Yehudah never intended for Shelah to marry Tamar. He wanted him to perform "Chalizah," which is a ceremony in which the brother absolves himself of marrying the widow. This can only be performed by a boy over the age of thirteen. That is why Yehudah told Tamar to go live in her father’s home until Shelah was older.

One year passes and the Yehudah's wife dies. Soon after her death, Yehudah travels to the city of Timnah to spend time with friends and be comforted. It was at this point that Tamar became despondent. Sforno explains that after Sarah died, Yitzchak moved Rivka into her tent. When Yehudah’s wife died and his daughter-in-law, Tamar, was not asked to move into her lodgings, she began to think that Yehudah had no intention of marrying her to Shelah. The Ohr Hachayim explains that Tamar saw through Ruach Hakodesh that Shelah was not fit to be her husband. She therefore decided to be intimate with Yehudah.

The Chumash tells us that word came to Tamar that Yehudah had left his house and gone to Timnah. Tamar took off her widow’s garb and sat in the middle of the road in a place called Pethach Eynaim. The Medrash explains this as a toll gate -- anyone passing to Timnah had to stop there and pay a toll. The Me’am Loez says that Pethach Eynaim was the house of Avraham. It was a holy house set aside for guests. Mizrahi feels that she went to Moaras Hamachpela and davened that she not leave Yehudah’s house without bearing children.

Tamar had covered her face with a veil so she would not be recognized. Rabbenu Maimon (the father of the Rambam) held that in ancient times if the brother of the deceased did not marry the widow, another close relative would. Tamar seized this opportunity to be intimate with Yehudah, even though she had to resort to trickery. It was her wish to have children that were descended from Yehudah.

When Yehudah saw her sitting at the side of the road, he thought she was a prostitute. The Ramban explains that he thought she was a prostitute because of her actions. In those days a prostitute would sit at the crossroads with part of her face covered. When he saw Tamar with part of her face veiled, sitting on the side of the road he assumed she was a prostitute. The Gemara in Sotah explains that Yehudah did not recognize her, because she had always had her face covered in his home. Chazal explain that from Tamar we learn that a woman who is always modest in behavior and dress will be worthy to have rulers and prophets as her descendants. But a woman who dresses and acts immodestly will be despised in the eyes of Hashem and man.

The Chumash relates the conversation between Yehudah and Tamar. He tells her that he wants to be intimate with her and she asks what he is willing to give her. The Yad explains that before the Torah was given it was perfectly okay for an unmarried man and woman to be intimate without any ties. However, on the day that the Torah was given, all forms of pre-marital and extra-marital sex were forbidden. Even though our Avos kept the Torah before it was given, it was by choice. If they choose not to follow a specific commandment, that was okay -- for example, Yaakov married two sisters, which is forbidden by the Torah.

The Yafeh Tohar explains that Yehudah tried to ignore Tamar and continue on his way, but Hashem sent the Malach that controls sexual desire to compel him to desire her.

The Gemara in Sotah relates that Yehudah asked her if a. She was an idol worshipper b. Was she married c. If she was menstruating. Tamar answered that she was not an idol worshipper, she was unmarried and ritually clean. It was only then that Yehudah was intimate with her.

Yehudah offers to give her a sheep from his flock. Tamar agrees but asks for something to be used for security until it arrives. She asks for his seal, his wrap and his staff. Rashi explains that seal meant signet ring, wrap was the cloak he wore and the staff was that which he held in his hand. The Ramban says that the warp was a shawl that aristocrats of that time wore around their necks and the seal had the form of a lion on it. The Medrash explains the symbolism of each piece as follows: The signet ring symbolized that from this liaison would come the royal line of Israel beginning with David Hamelech. The wrap symbolized the Sanhedrin who would pass judgement with great respect. The staff symbolized Moshiach who would be a descendant of this liaison.

This was a liaison that Yehudah should have avoided. Even though this may have been a permissible act, Yehudah was not just any man. He was a leader and teacher of his generation and should have been above being intimate with a woman whom he suspected of being a prostitute. It is obvious that this whole affair was ordained and coerced by Heaven.

Tamar became pregnant from this intimacy. The Chumash says "VaTahar Lo," she became pregnant to him. The Medrash explains that this teaches us that her two sons were as saintly as him -- Yehudah.

Mizrahi and many other Mefarshim believe that Yehudah married her. Their feeling is that Yehudah would not have been intimate without marriage. As an important leader he would have traveled with an entourage and they would have been witnesses to a marriage.

After their intimacy, Tamar leaves, takes off her veil and dresses again in her widow’s garb. Yehudah travels on his way and arranges to send the sheep he promised. But not only can’t his messenger locate the "prostitute", the people of that area have no knowledge of their ever having been one in that place.

When Yehudah is asked if they should continue searching, he says no. He tells the messenger that he does not want the incident to become public knowledge. This teaches us that matters relating to sexual conduct should be kept private and only between the two people involved. Yehudah was willing to lose his belongings rather then have the incident become public knowledge, even though his actions were completely permissible.

Three months pass and word is sent to Yehudah that his daughter-in-law Tamar is pregnant. The Medrash explains that people complained to Yehudah, "It is bad enough that she behaved immorally, but she is saying the rulers and leaders will come from her actions." Tamar knew from Ruach Hakodesh that royalty would come from Yehudah.

Yehudah, Yitzchak and Yaakov set up a Bais Din and judged Tamar on her behavior. Yehudah said that she must be taken out and burned. His reasoning was that Tamar was the daughter of a High Priest and the punishment in the Chumash for a Bas Cohen who commits adultery is death by burning. However, this halacha really pertains to a Bas Cohen who is married, Tamar was a widow. Mizrachi explains that Tamar’s behavior reflected badly on Yehudah’s reputation and a king can sentence someone to death when they have sullied his name. Also prostitution was a major problem then and Yehudah felt he could make an example out of Tamar. According to Ramban, Yehudah followed the customs of many countries. When a woman commits adultery she is handed over to her husband for sentencing. Since Tamar was bound to Shelah, he was asked how she should be punished. Shelah’s answer was by burning. Rabbi Yehudah HeChasid relates that the intention was not to burn her, but rather to brand her with a sign marking her as a harlot.

As Tamar was being taken to the stake, she sent three things to her father-in-law with a message that she was pregnant by the man to whom these belong. In the Chumash it says "He Mozays," she was being taken out. The word "He," meaning she, is usually spelled Hey, Yud, Alef. Here it is spelled Hey, Vov, Alef so it looks like "Hu," meaning he. According to the Medrash this is because Yehudah also deserved to be burned.

Targum Yonasan relates that when Tamar was summoned to her execution, she began to search for the three items Yehudah gave her. When she could not find them, she raised her eyes to Heaven and beseeched the Almighty. She said, "Ribbono Shel Olam, open my eyes so that I may find the security Yehudah gave me. If You do this, I will have three descendants who will be willing to be burned in Your name." These three descendants are Chananiah, Mishael, and Azariah. The reason Tamar could not find the objects is that Samael, the arch-angel of Esav had hidden them. He did this because he wanted Tamar to be burned. The Malach knew that Tamar’s descendant, David Hamelech would conquer the nation of Edom. Hashem had mercy on Tamar and sent the Malach Gavriel to bring the items back to her. She took them and threw them before the court. To Yehudah she sent a message that the owner of these three items is the father of the child she is carrying. She told him that she would not reveal the name of this man, even if it means she will be burned. She told him that she did not want to embarrass him and had faith that he would do the right thing.

The Gemara teaches that from here we learn that it is better to allow oneself to be burned then embarrass another human being. Worldly fire can be extinguished, but one who embarrasses another has no place in the World to Come.

Tamar asked Yehudah to identify the three objects and save three lives -- hers and the lives of the twins she was carrying. There are a number of different opinions expressed on whether Tamar actually knew she was carrying twins. Most Mefarshim agree that she knew, some say prophetically, some physically and some say intuitively.

Although his first reaction was to deny, Yehudah realized that it was better to be embarrassed in this world, then to be embarrassed before his saintly forefathers in Heaven. He stood and announced to the crowd that Tamar was a chaste and modest woman and that he was the father of her child. Rashi says that he acknowledged that she got pregnant to be the mother of Yehudah’s children. The Chumash uses the words "Tzadkah Meemenee." The Gemara says that this can be read as two separate statements. She is righteous. From Me. People might have thought that if Tamar had been intimate with Yehudah, she could have been intimate with other men too. So, when Yehudah called out "She is righteous," a Bas Kol came out from Shamayim and said "From me." Hashem took responsibility for the actions of Yehudah and Tamar.

The Bas Kol continued explaining that Hashem arranged things in this way, because the royal line was destined to come from these two people. Hashem bore witness that Tamar was not immoral, but was worthy to be the mother of the house of David. Rashbam explains that Yehudah said she is more righteous than me. I promised her Shelah as a husband and she promised to stay as a widow in her father’s home. She kept her end of the bargain and I did not. Ohr Hachayim says that her righteousness is based on something else. Yehudah was intimate with a woman he believed to be a prostitute. Tamar knew that Yehudah was a great man. Therefore she acted more righteously than he.

The Pasuk continues by saying "V’Lo Yasef Od L’Daatah." Ralbag explains that this means that Yehudah was not intimate with Tamar again because he feared he would die as his sons did. Rashi however brings down that others disagree and says it means he did not stop being intimate with her.

There are a number of reasons given for both views. Sifsei Chachomim relates that he was no longer intimate with her because he had already ensured that his deceased children would have a legacy. Gur Aryeh says he was not intimate with her because she had been his daughter-in-law and he did not feel it was right. He saw the first intimacy as the rite of Yibbum and felt that further contact was not necessary. Radak explains that since their first intimacy had been when he thought she was a prostitute, he would feel strange continuing a relationship with her. The following reasons are given for the view that Yehudah continued to be intimate with her. Mizrahi believes that since he knew he she was a righteous woman and had offered herself with the best of intentions, he did not separate from her. Gur Aryeh says that once the rite of Yibbum had passed, she was completely permissible to him. Midreshei Hatorah explains his view in a unique way. Yehudah stopped investigating Tamar. Until that point he had been investigating the possibility that she had been intimate with someone else and she was pretending he was the father. However, since she was willing to be burned rather than embarrass him, he knew that she was truly righteous.

Tamar gave birth prematurely to twin boys. The first one stuck his hand out of the womb. The midwife bound it with a red string to show he was the elder. The child then yanked his hand back and the second son came out. The midwife named this second child Peretz because he showed such strength in his will. Ramban explains that anyone that oversteps his boundary is referred to as "Poratz Geder." He says this is a reference to David Hamelech, because a King may make a breach in a fence that is blocking him and no one may stop him. The second son was named Zerach, because of the shining appearance of the red string. The Alshich explains that these two were to replace the two sons that Yehudah had lost.

What is interesting is that according to most Mefarshim these two boys were conceived and probably born out of wedlock. Although we have said that Yad Hashem was a powerful force in this affair, it was not honorable for Yehudah.

Radak explains that it was intentional that the house of David have very humble beginnings. This humbling continues with David being a descendant of Ruth, a Giyoret (convert) and Shlomo being the son of Batsheva. This was done so that the Shevet of Yehudah would never be haughty. Rabbi Yehudah Hechasid writes that Tamar was Yehudah’s bashert and he should have married her in the beginning. However, Yehudah had been instrumental in the selling of Yosef. Yosef was prevented from marrying until he was thirty and was imprisoned because of the actions of a woman. Yehudah was paid back middah keneged middah. Yehudah was also prevented from marrying and became involved with a woman inappropriately.

In Kabbalah seforim it is explained that the establishment of the house of David was something the Satan would do everything to prevent. It was believed that he would attempt to bring many accusations against the family in before the Heavenly Court. To prevent him from doing this he was bribed. The bribe was that the forefathers of Moshiach would be conceived in an act bordering on the illicit.

A number of Mefarshim questions when exactly these events between Yehudah and Tamar took place. According to some, at least part of this story, took place before Yosef was sold. There were 22 years from the selling of Yosef until they went down to Egypt. The time fits because when they went down to Egypt, Peretz already had two sons. Others disagree and say that the Torah is written in chronological order and Peretz was younger than nine when his sons were born. The explanation is based partially on the fact that Haran was eight years old when Sarah was born.

Tamar seems to have many of the same characteristics as our mother Leah. When her situation seemed precarious, she did not sit idly by and allow others to decide her fate. Like Leah before her, she spent a lot of time davening to Hashem and then took the necessary steps to make those prayers a reality. Just as Leah truly desired to be the mother of Yaakov’s children, so to Tamar truly desired to be the mother of Yehudah’s children. It was this pure righteous desire that made them worthy of sons who would one day be our future leaders and kings.